"The Human Heart Is The Tomb Of Many Feelings"

2009-01-02T20:18:00.002-05:00

Officially 2009, the years just fly by.
It was a great new year. Definitly topped last.
I spent most of the night with my wonderful boyfriend and my amazing grandparents.
At around 10:30, he and I left for a party where his friends were. It was such a compromise, both going to the places one another wanted to be. I loved ringing in the New Year with him. Shame that I missed it with my other friends, so hopefully next year everyone can just mesh. One Big Party! Oh that would be cool!
Back to work tomorrow after being off for like 8 days - ahh I dont want to go back.

So this new boyfriend. Yes it always seems like I have a new boyfriend. And yes I was set on dating only a christian. But then he came along and after all the crap i've been through, being with him made me extremely happy - most dont approve, but most dont understand how unhappy i've been. To my surprise, when I told that to my grandparents and my brother, they actually understood.
Im scared though. I feel vulnerable. I hate feeling vulnerable - I hate showing people my emotions and my weeker side. Usually something like this would scare me away, but my feelings for him are too strong and in this I want to stay. I have a new feeling - a strong feeling for him. I want it to stay there forever - I want him to be there forever. It is a new feeling - not like the others I thought I strongly liked.

I actually feel happy.
It is such a nice change.

I Dont Care

2008-12-13T20:54:00.002-05:00

Who thought I would get to a point where I just dont care.
I would like to blame it on everything that is going on - but I alone know that one is responsible for their own choice. Obviously I can't withstand the temptation and I can't stand firm through this mess.
I do not know what to think anymore nor what to do.
That is why I get the feeling that I will do anything cause I just... dont... care....
And even though I know that to have such a careless attitude is wrong - it just doesn't matter anymore. That is how much I really dont care..

Im sorry

In Doing So I Will

2008-11-18T21:32:00.002-05:00

One of the things I struggle with the most is forgiveness.

Forgiveness when you know they'll do it again.
Forgiveness when it was one of the most painful things that happened in your life.
Forgiveness when all you do is feel resentment towards them.
Forgiving and moving on - forgetting what has happened.
Forgiving is so hard

But you know what ....

God forgives all.
No matter the circumstance.

That is just one small thing that shows how great He is.
That He would forgive and forget EVERYTHING we have ever done.

I wish I could forgive like that...
I can at least try.
No.
I can at least pray that I can and in doing so I will.

I Was So Close To Cracking

2008-11-15T22:41:00.003-05:00

I was so close to cracking
So close to letting go.
But when the time came
I was so clearly shown.
That no one is better
At least no one I know.
Cause they don't give me feelings
That with you I can show.
No one could replace
Your spot in mylife
If it isn't you there by my side
The feelings for you I will still just abide.

I was so close to cracking.
How could I let you go?
How could thoughts fulfill me
Make me think there is more?
I was sitting there in silence
The temptation around.
But the one things that stopped me
Was thoughts of you all around.
Your name would just echoe
Not leave my head.
I thought that there could be
Another alternative.

Tis Time

2008-11-12T22:45:00.002-05:00

It is time for a good ol' game of tug and war...

Let the games begin.

And on the other side of things...

May the war be a peaceful one.

An Eye Opener For The Heart

2008-11-10T01:45:00.005-05:00

What have I been thinking?
Dwelling on these incidents, complaining on the matters.
I prayed about it. But prayed with just words. And what are the words without the faith.

This day has been filled with God.
It has been such an eye opener. God is amazing.
Not only did he speak into my life about the things I am curently struggling with but the things that I have just briefly thought on.

So for the past, I don't know, few months, I have felt stuck. Stuck in a sense that I want to do more for God. I feel inadequate for Him though. I feel like I dont have these amazing talents to really do something for Him - or - If I do have a talent, I have no clue what it is.
So Christine who I have recently been hanging out with - she has been awesome in my life - brought this book for no apparent reasons, not even knowing my struggle. The book is called Releasing Your Potential. I was just absolutely stunned. And then I thought about it - once in awhile in my prayers - within the past few months - I will mention to God that I do feel stuck and that I want Him to bring me something so I can move for Him. It has been a brief prayer. Now look what has happened.

Aside from that. I am doing this program - Catch the Vision. This will get me involved in the Church's Kid Ministry. From there on out - I hope to take my involvment further and trying new things. I just have this passion to try things for God - things that glorify Him. I pray that I will find my place - well not my place - God's place. That place will be amazing and glorifying.

Slips

2008-11-09T09:33:00.003-05:00

It is an awful feeling when you feel as though every single important person in your life isn't there for you. It seems as though every one is so involved in their own world - it is annoying.
It makes it hard to know who you want to turn to - since there really isn't anyone there when you turn. Even the last person you'd expect - isn't there.

Courage and strength keeps getting harder to find. Yet it is my own stupidity that makes it harder because the most important One in my life keeps slipping my mind. Lord why do I keep forgetting you? Why is my trust minimizing? Iam determined to change it - but it slips my mind in the most troubled times.

Bottom Line of the Feeling

2008-11-08T23:44:00.003-05:00

I have spent about an hour and a half on this one blog. Typing and backspacing - typing and backspacing - typing and backspacing.

Bottom Line of The Feelings With This Blog

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It's common sense that the scream built inside that is soon released does nothing.

What a shame.....

Happy One Year

2008-11-07T00:50:00.004-05:00

One Year From One of the Greatest Days to Remember

Just A Pretty Picture

Blah Blah Blah

2008-11-04T20:09:00.003-05:00

I don't think I have cried as hard as I cried tonight - while driving. Finding out what I found out and talking to her about it brought so many fears and so much pain to the surface. When I stopped at Starbucks on the way home, one of the ladys - super nice might I say - noticed my eyes were all red and started loudly asking if I was ok and if I had been crying. I of coursed answered honestly with an "I was" with a forced smerk. Oh and did I mention that there were other people around. Embarrassing, but it made me laugh - so thats always good. But the drink was might tasty!

Recent discovery: Starbucks is awesome!

I should be getting my guitar in the next two days. I can't wait to start playing. Nails will always have to be short and fingers may get rough and painful...BUT ITS WORTH IT!

A Little Expression

2008-11-03T21:45:00.006-05:00

It was about three weeks ago when it happened. The family finally split. Life is like a never ending roller coaster. My emotions are constantly in an up and down motion like I have never experienced. Most times I wish it would keep at a low steady pace - but wouldn't most people - It is hard when you try your hardest to trust your parents, but it always back fires and something happens that proves that trusting them is a promise for disappointment. To feel emotionally drained by putting all your effort into actually showing that trust, because the other part of you fights so much to not trust them. What a battle. To be pulled from the middle both ways. I will let not let either side have me, so the tugging will never end. In the end of it all I do forgive them; I do know its all going to happen again, but I will keep forgiving. I am sure you can guess what pushes me to forgive, and that is because God ALWAYS forgives us.

I really believe some people take advantage of the fact that their parents are together and that they are just full of love for one another and their family. People take advantage of the "strict" rules in their household. I believe the rules are a sign of love. Rules for protection and a hold back from mistakes that the parents don't want their child to make. I hate some of the freedom I had at points in my life. Sometimes it makes me angry that they didn't stop me, as much as it was my own choice to do those things- that's when I tend to get angry at myself for not being strong enough.

I can say I have been blessed this past while in other ways though. Yes, it has been awful with my family, but as for me spiritually, it has been wonders. God has given me something great in a horrble situation - or is it a horrible situation? Maybe this is all part of His plan. I guess I won't know until the final outcome - whatever that may be. But may it be full of God's glory.

On better notes:

I got a laptop - thanks to my wonderful mother. Oh she is a confusing one. I love her to death - yet it always feels like a challenge. May God's love shine through me for her... I need the help.

I am going to start learning a bit of guitar. Maybe through lessons, maybe through my own will to learn on my own, or maybe through friends. Only time will tell.

I finally found another work place that I will be applying for in the next month. (It pays more too!!)

I went to an incredible Thai restaurant with an incredible person. How great it was just to talk. Questions were asked, questions were answered - deep conversation was in the air - a feelings were expressed. It was great - she was great. Such an encourager :)

I love you Laura ;)

Sold Out

2008-10-28T01:49:00.003-04:00

My heart cries out for you, but my mouth stays shut. I want to put all of me into it, but sometimes I put none. You deserve more than anyone can give to you because you have given me way more than I deserve. Oh do I love you. Just listen to me pour my heart out to you. I desire to be with you every second of every day yet I dont put all my effort into being with you at least a few minutes a day. I yearn to know you - I wait patiently to hear your voice; to receive your guidance. Speak to me ... show me what it is I need to be shown. I want to live throughout you. May I receive your strength and peace and wisdom. Guide me. Walk beside me. May I live only for you the way you want me to. Sold out for you.

Thank you

2008-10-28T01:46:00.002-04:00

Thank you for your kind words. I don't think you know what they meant to me. They went straight to the heart - made me feel great inside - so thank you.

Success!!

2008-10-02T09:34:00.001-04:00

NEW SUCCESS!! 4 DAYS OF WORK OUT IN A ROW!!

The Lift that Lasts

2008-09-27T23:03:00.002-04:00

There really aren't words that would describe my weekend.

Altitude - the lift that lasts.

A christian conference filled with worship, youth and some of the most incredible speakers.
God has really spoke to me this week on so many personal levels and I pray he continues to do so. I couldn't even tell anyone how great that church itself is; you would need to just go and experience. I do not even know what to say right now - it is really irratating. I wish I had some kind of powers to let everyone feel what I feel after this weekend, then you'd all know. So I can just say that I learned alot, and I have no way to explain it.

God is magnificent beyond imaginable!

Birthday! Birthday! Birthday!

2008-09-25T17:20:00.003-04:00

Friday night! Birthday Night! Friday Night! WOOT WOOT

So tonight I am celebrating my birthday a day early with the family. Dinner at King's Buffet! I am going to happily stuff myself. Tomorrow is with the buds. Edgar, Shawna, James and Tyler, Some of my closest friends, are going to lunch with me and a little mini golf (glow in the dark) afterwards. It's not what you do, it is who you are with. That night I am going to this huge chrisitan conference, which also carries over to the saturday, all day pretty much. It is going to be a pretty rockin weekend. Oh and I currently just spent more money on clothes and boots, too much money might I add. Man I need to stop that!

Happy birthday to me!

Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo

2008-09-19T19:30:00.004-04:00

Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo
Did you know that is a grammatically correct sentence. Don't believe me? Google It.

These past three days were some of the greatest ever. My friend and I spent three days in bufallo shopping. I love being away from everything and everyone - although man did it have its costs $$. It was just fun and stress free. Laughter just filled my spirit and I forgot about any family problems back at home. My highlight of the week would be buying 1) stiraphone swords and fighting in the hotel room and 2) buying glow in the dark swords, braclets and necklaces and fighting in the dark hotel room. And Auntie Anne, how I love you! Your warm buttery cinnamon flavored pretzels just melt in my mouth. Why doesn't canada have the same perks as the US? Cheap food, lower tax and some of the most tasty treats. Mmm. I am glad to be back in the Can though - my life beckons to me.

Can rules the Am!!

Family Breaks and Heart Aches

2008-09-02T22:26:00.005-04:00

Work Sucked! Who knew that waiting for me when I got home was an invitation to have dinner with my parents and brother. It was a great dinner - steak, potatoes and corn on the cob. There was even great discussion during the whole thing. Who knew that after dinner we would all find ourselves playing bid euchre - there was so much laughter. It may be bad most of the time, but I am thankful for this one night I was given. It is a night like this that gives me a bit of ease.
A night like this won't change how I feel though - fear. It won't convince me that everything will be fine; I'm not so sure it will. I have been fighting the past few months to go see this christian councellor. I at first thought, out of everyone if my family, I am one of the last people that require a councellor. Maybe that was pure stubborness. The past few days, I feel so inadequate. I feel like I am not good enough as a person - not smart enough, not pretty enough (I know sounds lame), not enjoyable to be around - as well as I feel like I am not good enough as a christian, no matter how hard I try. And one of the hardest things to admit and face, someone I care about so much, makes me feel even more inadequate as a person when I am with him or talk to him, but at the same time, this person is special in my life just because of who he is and what he represents in my life. He does say stuff that makes me feel really special, and comments traits that he seems to find are rare - and he can be such a great encouragement - but then things are said that make me feel like im not good enough as a person and christian - basically makes me question myself. It can get real upsetting - bottom line - I think a councellor would be great just because they will be neutral, a christian and I can just let out how I feel - it could be a real encouragement. I just know I can't let this all build up - everything that has been going on for the last two years.

Take It All

2008-08-29T20:36:00.003-04:00

A mind to think
A mouth to speak

One thing to do
Two hands to use

Few soul's desire
Tons to aquire

Feel the love
Sent from above

Time to spread
We will be led

Feel no shame
For His name

May be small
But give it all.

Yes we'll fall
But please take it all

Funny isn't it?

2008-08-14T21:19:00.001-04:00

Isn't It
Funny how a $20.00 bill looks so big when you take it to church, but so small when you take it to the mall.
Funny how big an hour serving God looks and how small 60 minutes are when spent watching television, playing sports, sleeping or taking a lunch break.
Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are but how short they are when watching a good movie.
Funny how we get thrilled when a football game goes into overtime, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.
Funny how laborious it is to read a chapter in the Bible and how easy it is to read 200-300 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how we believe what newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how people scramble to get a front seat at a concert, but scramble to get a back seat at the church service.
Funny how we cannot fit a gospel meeting into our schedule with our yearly planner but we can schedule for other events at a moment's notice.
Funny how we look forward to that big date on Friday night, but complain about getting up for church on Sunday morning.
Funny how we are rarely late to work, but always late to church.
Funny how we call God our Father and Jesus our brother, but find it hard to introduce them to our family.
Funny how small our sins seem, but how big their sins are.
Funny how we demand justice for others, but expect mercy from God.
Funny how much difficulty some have learning the gospel well enough to tell others, but how simple it is to understand and explain the latest gossip about someone else.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, but don't have any difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny how we are so quick to take directions from a total stranger when we are lost, but are hesitant to take God's direction for our lives.
Funny how so many church goers sing "Standing on the Promises" but all they do is sit on the premises.
Funny how people want God to answer their prayers, but refuse to listen to His counsel.
Funny how we sing about heaven, but live only for today.
Funny how people think they are going to Heaven but don't think there is a Hell.
Funny how it is okay to blame God for evil and suffering in the world, but it is not necessary to thank Him for what is good and pleasant.
Funny how when something goes wrong, we cry, "Lord, why me?" but when something goes right, we think, "Hey, it must be me!"
...wait...maybe all this isn't so "funny" after all.

A few updates

2008-08-14T20:34:00.003-04:00

It has definitly been awhile. Since my last blog a few updates:

YWAM is definitly TOO much to save up for in four months. So I am looking into other options that are a little bit later in the year, maybe even leave it till around september. I Went to 888 with my friend; it wasn't too bad. There was alot of moments that I guess you could call lonely or not as much fun, but other moments that made it more worth while. I went for her though, not me, so it didn't matter whether I had fun or not. I did however meet a guy from Australia, one from
Ireland and one from England. (All very awesome) I am going to start looking into a career college downtown meant for massage therapy. It offers full OSAP, is compeleted in two years, starts every three months, and looks better than other schools since its main focus is massage therapy. Nursing still isn't completely out of the picture - now even going to look into dermatology - I just need to look at my options and plan for the future after YWAM. But it also depends on where God takes me.
I went to twenty twenty at Koinonia last sunday. It was really great there. I brought someone there who isn't saved, and she wants to go back again; that was so great to hear. While I was at twenty twenty, I met like 8 - 10 new people. People are more sociable there, not to mention they come off very mature. I am really hoping to start making friends there. Other things are going on my life, that I can't really explain enough to make it understandable. It is more of an inner personal thing, and my relationship with God and things He is changing in my life. I thank Him fully. His blessings are more than I deserve.

How Great is the Lord!

Content and Satisfied

2008-08-03T15:28:00.002-04:00

I feel so content. I feel so satisfied.
I am happy with how I am starting to live my life.
I feel like I am headed down the right path.
Taking the oppurtunities God is giving me.
Living for Him - trying my best.
I finally feel more of a peace.
Of course not everything is perfect -
Nor is everything I do near perfect.
But that's ok, because I know God is there -
And I know I'm trying, and I dont want to give up.
I am taking a stand - He is holding me firm.
So content - so satisfied
- God is amazing -

YAH BABY!!

2008-07-30T21:08:00.001-04:00

The internet is back up and working!! YAH!!

Just Trust

2008-07-29T19:32:00.005-04:00

She looks up to study the path ahead. No path has ever been more straight, no path has ever looked that smooth; she starts at a slow and unsure pace. Should one travel such a path? There is no colours to show -everything just dark and down. The path is narrow, the trees seem to tighten in. The wind whips around her; her hair being tossed around, blinding moments of her vision. The trees sway tremendously, branches slapping her in the face - shaking her from her course - she stays her course, determined to get out. Her goal is to reach the end, but fear overwhelms her. She pauses . . . to observe. . . to listen - screams off in the distance are heard - foot steps heard in every direction - then silence falls. She hesitates to continue till the earth starts to tremble and foot thumps are heard from behind. She glances over her shoulder as her shaky legs start to move; she is trembling with fear and finds herself stumbling over her own two feet. Desperation fills her - a desire to escape what was after her. Her hearts beating at an unbearable pace; her heart about to jump from her cold chest. The foot steps get louder and she can tell they are closing in. She takes a dodge forward and then falls to the ground. She cowards in a fetal position, waiting for them to take her up and take her way. This being the moment till her death. But by surprise, a light warm tap on her shoulder, a whisper in her ear by the sweetest voice that anyone will ever hear. She gets up slowly, her hands burning from the ground, her cheeks heated by the slapping branches. Everything is beautiful, everthing is calm and bright. She dauntlessly continues on the path with the whisper in her head saying trust me - the words striking at her heart. Never has she heard such a voice - never has she felt such a comfort. She knows no branch will take her down, no chase will scare her. There is light in the darkness when there is a goal to be reached when there is a voice to be heard. No times of darkness will keep her down. It is He who will lift her off the ground.

Waiting Patiently

2008-07-28T10:54:00.001-04:00

I'm usually pretty impatient
Wants things to happen now
But since I know the reason
I can manage somehow.

It doesnt affect my feelings
Because I know it's for Him
Cause He is always the answer
He gets me through thick and thin.

If it could happen
I'm willing to wait and see
But if it is not His plan
Then I'll move on peacefully.

How amazing it would be if it happened
How much I would love it to
But for now I'll stand on the side
Just watching and waiting for you.

Missing the internet - pathetic

2008-07-26T20:20:00.000-04:00

So life feels good. I feel more at peace and I feel like there is less drama going on - which is great!
I had a missions trip come into oppurtunity. Come January, I could mission in Mexico till May. If it's God's will it will happen. - I have had the house to myself the last few days! Of course there has been no cable, phone or internet - stupid service has been down - I had to use someone elses computer to keep up with messages and a few blogs here and there. I miss the internet, how pathetic. Overall, things seem to be picking up. I feel like my feelings/emotions are in more control towards people. I've been reading more too; I Kings, Twilight and Harry Potter - all great reading. It kinda sucks not being able to put other time into a blog but updates, but other stuff can wait.

Update

2008-07-22T14:41:00.000-04:00

Got back from camping yesterday then went straight to hang out with my friends. That was fun; don't get to see them too often. As for camping, it wasn't too bad. It didn't feel like camping as it used to be though. My uncle wasn't there, so I didn't have him to go the beach with at night to watch the stars. My brothers girlfriend also came along, so him and I didn't get to have much time together, and I couldn't really go to the beach with him alone either. I wasn't allowed to go the beach at night on my own, my grandparents didn't think it would be safe, so that kinda sucked. I did get some good sun though, and the boat rides and swimming was alot of fun.
I finished reading the third harry potter book (prisoner of azkaban) while I was camping, and right before I finished I bought another book, Twilight. I LOVED Harry Potter! It was so good, I cant wait to start the next book. As for Twilight, Edward, a character of the book, is my new fictional character crush. He just captures you.; he seems so mysteriously attractive!
Coming up in the end of August, there is this Hillsong Conference. I am really hoping to go. I think it would be absolutely amazing. The more I listen to their music, the more I come to love it. Sometimes it just captivates me. I would love to get the privledge of seeing Hillsong live. It comes down to whether my parents will let me drive because its in a busy city like 1 1/2 hours away. Guess I'll have to be patient for the answer.

I thought about you today

2008-07-17T02:59:00.001-04:00

- I thought about you today -

About looking into your eyes:
Feelings of trust - feeling of friendship.
I thought of when you smile:

The warmth it spreads inside.
I love to hear your voice:

Your stories, your thoughts - they are so great.

I just want to get to know you:
Passions, pains and thoughts

Just get a little bit closer

Know whats inside your heart.
I feel your touch:
So gentle, so sweet

- when you hold me, I feel content -

I wouldn't want it any other way.
When you look at me:

I feel beautiful in your eyes

Sometimes though a look is given:

Am I really the best?

- It's what I want to be -

I will wait for HIS pick

And trust that:

If there is something worth waiting for

To wait brings the fate

But is there something to wait for?

I'll leave it in God's hands.

And through God, I will grow closer to you

- encourage you through HIM-

I thought about you today

- more than any other day -

Made to Worship

2008-07-17T02:50:00.000-04:00

Chris Tomlin - Made to Worship

Before the day

Before the light

Before the world revolved around the sun

God on high

Stepped down into time

And wrote the story of His love for everyone

He has filled our hearts with wonder

So that we always remember

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love

You and I are forgiven and free

You and I embrace surrender

You and I choose to believe

You and I will see who we were meant to be

All we are

And all we have

Is all a gift from God that we receive

Brought to life

We open up our eyes

To see the majesty and glory of the King

He has filled our hearts with wonder

So that we always remember

You and I were made to worship

You and I are called to love

You and I are forgiven and free

You and I embrace surrender

You and I choose to believe

You and I will see who we were meant to be

And even the rocks cry out

And even the Heavens shout

At the sound of His holy name

So let every voice sing out

And let every knee bow down

He is worthy of all our praise

You and I were made to worship

You and I are called to love

You and I are forgiven and free, yeah

You and I embrace surrender

You and I choose to believe

You and I will see, you and I will see

You and I were made to worship

You and I are called to love

You and I are forgiven and free, yeah

You and I embrace surrender

You and I choose to believe

You and I will see who we were meant to be

Today is the day

2008-07-17T02:00:00.001-04:00

It is currently 2: 24 in the morning on the seventeenth of July. (post dates are messed up)
Today I leave to go camping. Camping is a big part of my life. I have been doing it since I was like three. It may only be for 3 days, but it is better than nothing. It will be nice to be away from work and just to relax in the sun and eat till I explode. I didn't go last year; couldn't get the time off and a ride up there - bummer. My grandparents are always the ones there that I camp with. I'm going up there with my older brother and his girlfriend - that should be interesting. Camping is a great time to just enjoy the boat, the lake, the fires, the junkfood! I love to watch the stars! Walking down to the beach at one in the morning - Laying on picnic tables, and just absorbing God's creation, the beauty of it. Abosolutely magnificent. I hope it doesn't rain, if it does, it will still be fun, because it is time away. Actually, it won't be camping if it doesn't rain one of the days at least. Camping should be a great oppurtunity to go off on my own; I hope to clear my head.
I can't wait!

For you For Him For them

2008-07-13T00:28:00.001-04:00

For you:
After all this time, I just want to be your friend. It seems like you keep telling me these randoms to impress me. STOP! I really dont want to hear it and feel like you are trying to prove yourself. I dont need you to. I want to be your every day friend. You are a great person; you dont have to prove yourself to anyone. Maybe I am over-reacting, Im sorry, but it is how I feel.

For Him:
I'm sorry I let it get here. I'm sorry I chose to do it my way. It is never how I wanted it-yet I let it happen anyways. I dont feel good about it one bit. I'm just filled with regret. But the good thing is, I know you forgive me for it. But now, I just want to break free for you. I want to put things aside that block me from you. I want to put you first, above all the rest. I want to live for you, do things for you, speak for you. I want to become more and more like you ever single day. I know I am going to struggle, but please, help me. Bring people into my life that you want in it. Show me where to go and what to do. I want to do it for you.

For Them:
Just grow up! Stop doing what you are doing. Stop thinking what you are thinking. And stop being how you are. Stop with the foolishness, the immaturity, the lack of trust, the lack of respect and the lack of faith - both of you. Its exhausting and it just creates pain. I can say over and over again a better way to do it-I can say what needs to be said. But it doesnt matter, cause you will never learn - - - ever. You have had enough time to learn, you have had enough people to help you, but only He can help you now. But shamefully, you wont let him. It saddens me and everyone around me that knows what goes on. I cant wait to just escape from it. A burden lifted off. Sometimes, this is what holds me back-this is what makes me cry-this is what makes some of my days so much harder-this is what has slowly killed me inside. And YOU, YOU especially, you dont realize you are such a big part of this, you point fingers at everyone else and do not realize your own faults had a huge start in this whole thing. But there obviously isn't an end, because a brand new uproar always comes up. Things keep coming....But I dont want them too :( I feel like I cant take it. But It is only by Him I have gotten through this and ended up how I am, and He will keep me through it.

A Love Hate thing

2008-07-12T11:20:00.001-04:00

I HATE when you wake up one morning and you look like complete crap, and you know its unfixable.
I HATE when you wake up with the feeling that it is impossible for something good to happen, and that you only feel like it is going to be an awful mellow day.
I HATE when you can't control your thoughts about one person, and all you can do is think of them, and it aches.
I HATE when the person you want to trust the most, is actually the person that you can only trust the least.
I HATE that when there is a problem or something is bothering you, you can talk about it for hours straight, but feel like nothing has been let out
I HATE knowing that life will get better, but yet feeling hopeless aside from that fact.
I HATE that I make my relationship with God so much harder than it should be.
I HATE the kind of decisions I make when it comes to guys.
I HATE feeling like how I feel now.

I LOVE sitting out under the stars, and seeing His magnificent creation.
I LOVE sitting in the middle of a field at 1am, laughing at the most ridiculous things, while trying to move the clouds with absolute mind power.
I LOVE knowing that if I have faith in God, He will make things work to protect me.
I LOVE knowing that I never have to return to highschool.
I LOVE knowing that God does have someone saved for me.
I LOVE to be able to run, and have nothing hold you back.
I LOVE when everything leaves your mind, giving you a moments peace, making you feel invincible.
I LOVE how God works.
I LOVE knowing that I have people in my life I can put my trust in, who are wise and love God.
I LOVE knowing that there is a plan set for me in the future, and I dont even know it yet.
I LOVE knowing that I can make a difference.

How could you do this to me?

2008-07-10T10:37:00.000-04:00

I feel so angry, upset, hurt, confused, and I dont know what to do with myself. How could you do this to me? You know how much it meant to me; you know how I feel. How could you go and do that without asking me, or considering my feelings? Do you have no consideration in you at all? Do you ever put our feelings before theirs? You hurt me so bad, and I dont know what I want to do with us now. This definitly isn't the first time something like this has happened. Do you know that because of you, i cried for half hour today, do you know that because of you it will be harder to see him, even for the meer two hours I will see him today. Why dont you think first? Why dont you realize? I feel like it is one mistake building on another into this gigantic pile, and soon enough, it will come crashing down. That is a warning.

Dream of Struggle

2008-07-08T23:18:00.001-04:00

So one thing about me is that i rarely have dreams, and when I do dream, I wake up knowing I had a dream, but not remember what it was about. Well last night I had three dreams and remembered them all. And coincidently, each one was about something I am struggling with in my life right now.

Dream 1: The Wedding Dress

I believe the setting was some kind of church. It was my wedding day. I was marrying the guy of my dreams - of course - not mentioning names. So it started off in this big room with my grandmother and mother and I was wearing this ridiculous looking, red, chinese patterned, tight dress or robe; whatever those chinese outfits are called. I asked, "Why am I wearing this?" They told me that we all were so busy we didnt get me a wedding dress, so they figured this would make me stand out the most. (Ya stand out and look ridiculous) I was SOO upset! My wedding day and I didnt even have a wedding dress! Then I was warned I needed to be out there in 15 minutes. So i started panicking and saying how there must have been some kind of white dress around. So in this big room of the church, I opened my closet, no clue why it was there, and pulled out 5 nice summer dresses, all white. (I dont even own one white dress, but I had them) And while we were looking at them, one asked, do you have your vows ready with you. I responded, "My vows? I'm not sure if I wrote my vows!" So I then started saying my vows right there. They were pretty nice vows. Then I was warned that I needed to be out and ready now!! And I hadnt even changed yet. So I was freaking out...then my dream changed.

Dream 2: Feelings of disrespect

So I went to a friend of mines house. She led me and my good friend through her house, and when we walked out on her porch, it led to a HUGE backyard that was supposed to be part of her school's backyard, and everyone from her school was there. Then she said oh theres, we will call him Liam (an ex). And said oh I should warn you now, he has a really huge hickie on his neck from this girl (cant remember her name). Well, I was getting really upset cause of course he would do that when I was there, and started saying that obviously the relationship meant nothing to you, you said you never liked her then you go do this, how could you do this! I was so mad!! But I don't even have feelings for the guy.. it was pretty strange - Then my dream switched again.

Dream 3: That looks awful!

So me and my friends had just speant the whole day somewhere with this huge group. It was night time, and we were the last ones to get on the school bus. I ended up having to sit by my friends sister, who i hardly talk to. Well I looked away for like 10 seconds, and when I looked back, it was this girl that I worked with instead, who I dont like very much. And she just started putting lots of make-up on me...stopped for a second and asked.."is it ok that im doing this?'. I just said, "i guess so." so she continued, and when she was finished, it looked really nice, at least thats what myself and everyone in the dream thought, when really it looked awful. Then that dream ended....

Dreams of struggles? Dream 1 and 2. Different guys, both who have some kind of place in my heart. I kind of miss guy 2 from time to time, I just liked spending time with him, but thats not where my actual feelings lie, Guy 1, I like alot. He is absolutely amazing, not to mention such a man of God. And with dream 3, the struggle is that I am always fighting to not wear make-up. Be happy with who I am, not try to look like something/someone Im not. To Try and Be happy with how God made me :)

A little feeling

2008-07-06T21:49:00.000-04:00

I feel lonely, but theres people all around me
I want to cry, but no tears will come out
I want to scream, but have no one hear me
I can feel, but feel nothing at all, just numb inside.

I know He's there, yet it doesnt feel the same
Everythings going great, but doesn't feel as well
I want to draw closer, I want to draw near
But whats holding me back after all these years.

I've never felt this struggle
Its so different inside
The past just keeps haunting me
But from all of it, I just cant hide.

Better Than

2008-07-05T23:24:00.000-04:00

I LOVE THIS SONG!

Better Than - John Butler

All you want is

What you can’t have

And if you just look around man

You see you got magic

So just sit back relax

Enjoy it while you still have it

Don’t look back on life man and only see tragic

Because you could be better than that

Don't let it get the better of you

What could be better than now

Life’s not about what’s better than

You can be better than that

Don't let it get the better of you

What could be better than now

Life’s not about what’s better

All the time while you’re looking away

There are things you can do man

There’s things you can say

To the the ones you’re with

With whom you’re spending your day

Get your gaze off tomorrow

And let come what may

Because you could be better than that

Don't let it get the better of you

What could be better than now

Life’s not about what’s better than

You can be better than that

Don't let it get the better of you

What could be better than now

Life’s not about what’s better

All I know is sometimes things can be hard

But you should know by now

They come and they go

So why, oh why

Do I look to the other side

'Cos I know the grass is greener but

Just as hard to mow

Life’s not about what’s better than.

All you want is

What you can’t have

And if you just look around man

You see you got magic

So just sit back relax

Enjoy it while you still have it

Don’t look back on life man and only see tragic

Because you could be better than that

Don't let it get the better of you

What could be better than now

Life’s not about what’s better than

You can be better than that

Don't let it get the better of you

What could be better than now

Life’s not about what’s better

Work-a-holic

2008-07-04T11:22:00.001-04:00

Its Friday!! My only day off this week from work. Next week I work 6 of the 7 days of the week (a total of 45 hours). So maybe I can be put under the category "work-a-holic", but it's not like I do this every week, just once in awhile. Good money towards a new car...and a new x box, seeing as my current one keeps freezing up on me not even 5 minutes into playing; its been like 2 months since I have sat down to a decent game of online halo!
So what are my plans for my ONE day off you ask...pretty much nothing. I will do nothing around the house looking for a slight bit of entertainment until 5 Then I'll pick up my friends and have a great night.

How about a start?

2008-07-03T13:34:00.001-04:00

I never do anything like this, nor do I usually spend tons of time on the computer. I figure this can be a way to express myself, whether people read it or not. I dont know where this blog will go, but I guess I'll find out. It's going to be filled with opinions, sadness, hope, happiness...a typical teens day to day feeling, and I'll probably throw in some extra stuff too, depending on what I feel like doing with this.

So for starters, a little bit about me. I am 17, just graduated high school. Summer is here and for the summer I will be working full time in a restaurant, and just spending time with my friends and family. A big part of knowing me is knowing that I am a christian, I have a personal relationship with God. My relationship with God has always ended up being the most important thing in my life. Even though it may start as a struggle, I eventually try to put him first, before relationships, work and even my family. I have ended relationships that I know God didnt want me in, just currently actually. I have also put my family aside in order to retain a closer relationship with God. I moved out due to how disoriented my family was, and how they never put God first, they really brought me down spiritually and emotionally. I did what I needed to do. To some, it may seem senseless, but there is nothing more important than doing God's will. Doesn't mean I always do it, but I regret it when I dont. Where I am in my life has alot to do with my grandparents, they have been there for me more than I could ever explain to anyone.

For the past few years, I have had a friendship that started off close, and distanced back off. Recently, we have gotten really close again, and she is honestly the most amazing friend. She has strong morals and she follows them. She has been a great influence on me. I regret that I havn't been there for her as much as she has for me, but I am trying to make up for that.

Currently, my feelings for someone are being pulled. Knew him 11 years ago, we were the best of friends, always going to one another's houses, he even ended up being my first kiss, even though we were only like 5 or 6. We lost contact for about the 11 years, cause he stopped going to my school, but on November 7th, he coincidentally came into my work - with someone who recognized me. Ever since then, my feelings keep going back towards him. We talk on and off again because we are always both busy and we both sorta give up on one another thinking that the other one wasn't giving any effort. We have been talking recently, and it seems as though we both have feelings involved. He is an amazing christian - He seems to have such a heart for God. He is really nice - a great personality - and he is really cute. And ever since he was little, he has had the cutest dimples - I absolutely adore dimples on a guy - and big brown eyes - two things I've always remembered and loved about him. Im just trying to be patient, and see what God has in store for the future - whatver it may be, it will be the best, cause it is God's plan.