In Doing So I Will

One of the things I struggle with the most is forgiveness.

Forgiveness when you know they'll do it again.
Forgiveness when it was one of the most painful things that happened in your life.
Forgiveness when all you do is feel resentment towards them.
Forgiving and moving on - forgetting what has happened.
Forgiving is so hard

But you know what ....

God forgives all.
No matter the circumstance.

That is just one small thing that shows how great He is.
That He would forgive and forget EVERYTHING we have ever done.

I wish I could forgive like that...
I can at least try.
No.
I can at least pray that I can and in doing so I will.

I Was So Close To Cracking

I was so close to cracking
So close to letting go.
But when the time came
I was so clearly shown.
That no one is better
At least no one I know.
Cause they don't give me feelings
That with you I can show.
No one could replace
Your spot in mylife
If it isn't you there by my side
The feelings for you I will still just abide.

I was so close to cracking.
How could I let you go?
How could thoughts fulfill me
Make me think there is more?
I was sitting there in silence
The temptation around.
But the one things that stopped me
Was thoughts of you all around.
Your name would just echoe
Not leave my head.
I thought that there could be
Another alternative.

Tis Time

It is time for a good ol' game of tug and war...


Let the games begin.



And on the other side of things...



May the war be a peaceful one.

An Eye Opener For The Heart

What have I been thinking?
Dwelling on these incidents, complaining on the matters.
I prayed about it. But prayed with just words. And what are the words without the faith.

This day has been filled with God.
It has been such an eye opener. God is amazing.
Not only did he speak into my life about the things I am curently struggling with but the things that I have just briefly thought on.

So for the past, I don't know, few months, I have felt stuck. Stuck in a sense that I want to do more for God. I feel inadequate for Him though. I feel like I dont have these amazing talents to really do something for Him - or - If I do have a talent, I have no clue what it is.
So Christine who I have recently been hanging out with - she has been awesome in my life - brought this book for no apparent reasons, not even knowing my struggle. The book is called Releasing Your Potential. I was just absolutely stunned. And then I thought about it - once in awhile in my prayers - within the past few months - I will mention to God that I do feel stuck and that I want Him to bring me something so I can move for Him. It has been a brief prayer. Now look what has happened.

Aside from that. I am doing this program - Catch the Vision. This will get me involved in the Church's Kid Ministry. From there on out - I hope to take my involvment further and trying new things. I just have this passion to try things for God - things that glorify Him. I pray that I will find my place - well not my place - God's place. That place will be amazing and glorifying.

Slips

It is an awful feeling when you feel as though every single important person in your life isn't there for you. It seems as though every one is so involved in their own world - it is annoying.
It makes it hard to know who you want to turn to - since there really isn't anyone there when you turn. Even the last person you'd expect - isn't there.

Courage and strength keeps getting harder to find. Yet it is my own stupidity that makes it harder because the most important One in my life keeps slipping my mind. Lord why do I keep forgetting you? Why is my trust minimizing? Iam determined to change it - but it slips my mind in the most troubled times.

Bottom Line of the Feeling

I have spent about an hour and a half on this one blog. Typing and backspacing - typing and backspacing - typing and backspacing.

Bottom Line of The Feelings With This Blog

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


It's common sense that the scream built inside that is soon released does nothing.

What a shame.....

Happy One Year

One Year From One of the Greatest Days to Remember

Just A Pretty Picture

Blah Blah Blah

I don't think I have cried as hard as I cried tonight - while driving. Finding out what I found out and talking to her about it brought so many fears and so much pain to the surface. When I stopped at Starbucks on the way home, one of the ladys - super nice might I say - noticed my eyes were all red and started loudly asking if I was ok and if I had been crying. I of coursed answered honestly with an "I was" with a forced smerk. Oh and did I mention that there were other people around. Embarrassing, but it made me laugh - so thats always good. But the drink was might tasty!

Recent discovery: Starbucks is awesome!

I should be getting my guitar in the next two days. I can't wait to start playing. Nails will always have to be short and fingers may get rough and painful...BUT ITS WORTH IT!

A Little Expression

It was about three weeks ago when it happened. The family finally split. Life is like a never ending roller coaster. My emotions are constantly in an up and down motion like I have never experienced. Most times I wish it would keep at a low steady pace - but wouldn't most people - It is hard when you try your hardest to trust your parents, but it always back fires and something happens that proves that trusting them is a promise for disappointment. To feel emotionally drained by putting all your effort into actually showing that trust, because the other part of you fights so much to not trust them. What a battle. To be pulled from the middle both ways. I will let not let either side have me, so the tugging will never end. In the end of it all I do forgive them; I do know its all going to happen again, but I will keep forgiving. I am sure you can guess what pushes me to forgive, and that is because God ALWAYS forgives us.

I really believe some people take advantage of the fact that their parents are together and that they are just full of love for one another and their family. People take advantage of the "strict" rules in their household. I believe the rules are a sign of love. Rules for protection and a hold back from mistakes that the parents don't want their child to make. I hate some of the freedom I had at points in my life. Sometimes it makes me angry that they didn't stop me, as much as it was my own choice to do those things- that's when I tend to get angry at myself for not being strong enough.

I can say I have been blessed this past while in other ways though. Yes, it has been awful with my family, but as for me spiritually, it has been wonders. God has given me something great in a horrble situation - or is it a horrible situation? Maybe this is all part of His plan. I guess I won't know until the final outcome - whatever that may be. But may it be full of God's glory.



On better notes:

I got a laptop - thanks to my wonderful mother. Oh she is a confusing one. I love her to death - yet it always feels like a challenge. May God's love shine through me for her... I need the help.

I am going to start learning a bit of guitar. Maybe through lessons, maybe through my own will to learn on my own, or maybe through friends. Only time will tell.

I finally found another work place that I will be applying for in the next month. (It pays more too!!)

I went to an incredible Thai restaurant with an incredible person. How great it was just to talk. Questions were asked, questions were answered - deep conversation was in the air - a feelings were expressed. It was great - she was great. Such an encourager :)



I love you Laura ;)